Sunday, December 27, 2015

Decade of Change

I have been through many changes in my life but never so much as the past 10 years.  The most remarkable part of it was that it has been a steady stream of increasingly wonderful events.  People and places that have touched my heart and changed my life forever.

2005 was a crucial turning point for me, my children were grown and I knew that it was time to really start living my own life.  I was able to break away from some very unhealthy work and personal situations and began to truly, perhaps for the very first time, see what my life was all about.

I began to travel the world and explore in ways I had only dreamt of.  It was as if I had been set free and my life had become a series of exciting adventures.  I found confidence and courage that I didn't know I had and every experience helped me to learn even more about myself.

Now, I feel that I am on the threshold of yet another significant life change and I'm thrilled to see what the next decade will bring....

Monday, December 21, 2015

What's Next

Finally, I woke this morning with a renewed sense of joy and anticipation for the changes that are happening in my life.  I have become so accustomed to being happy that I don't deal well with sadness or indecision about anything. 

It feels very appropriate as this is Christmas week and that whatever is in store for me is wrapped and waiting like a gift under the tree.  I can see that it's there but have no idea what's inside.  The possibilities are endless and each of them full of their own special treasure.  I really can't wait to see what is next for me....

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Promises

It was an irreconcilable difference between us - he couldn't be with me without making a commitment and I couldn't be with him if we made one.

I have spent my entire life pursuing unavailable men, a not so subtle outcome of being abandoned by my father.  My mother used to tell me a story about my father carrying me on a pillow saying that I was more precious than gold, and then he left us.  That sends a very mixed message to a young girl growing up without a man to love and protect her.

I never dated older men and always avoided the stereotypical father figure, until I met him.  He was only a few years older but was the most dedicated father and family man I had ever known.  A kind and honest man, who made me feel very cherished and nurtured when we were together. I suppose that is part of what kept me locked in my romantic daydream for so long.

We both needed something when we first met and that was all there should have been.  But for me, this was far more, it was my chance to have something I had missed all of those years.

As sad as it is to say goodbye, I know it is the right thing for both of us.  It would have been fantastic for a while but if it didn't work out it would have destroyed us both.  Now we can go our separate ways and always remember that precious time we had together with no promises. 



Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Incredible Journey

You would have to know exactly where I started to understand just how far I have come...

There is no way to explain the fantastic experience I have had.  Beginning life in a desperately poor family with many emotional and substance abuse issues may seem like something far too great to overcome.  Even a lifelong idealist like me wondered if this would ever work out or if I was indeed doomed to repeat the past.  I'll tell you that was my mother's greatest fear, that I would live her life of sadness and misery. 

I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened but I was able to break the cycle of pain and despair and found a way into the world that opened up to me like a flower in bloom.  I have been blessed with people and resources that have helped me forge my way in this wilderness and somehow, with all odds against me, to not just survive but thrive in the most beautiful way.

To say that I am grateful for this incredible journey would be an understatement and I appreciate the life that now lay before me in a way that most will never know... 




Saturday, December 5, 2015

How will I let you go..

As we said goodbye, you stroked my face tenderly and asked "how will I let you go?".  We were both overcome with emotion, knowing that I could not stay.  I was from the U.S. and unless I could get a work permit I would not be able to remain in the country.  It had been a fantastic year, meeting and falling in love in a way that I never imagined, especially in my 50s. 

Now, fast forward 10 years and all of the emotion of that time welling up inside of me as I get ready to see you again.  Would I feel the same, would there be any connection at all... so many questions until I saw you.  Waving at me from across the lobby, it was as if no time had passed.  With the same sweet smile, you stood and put your arms around me and I felt that I was home again.
I didn't realize it at the time but you were saying goodbye, you had given up on any possibility of a future together and now it was over.

After loving you all of these years, I have to ask "how will I let you go?".  All I know is that I must.  It is time for this chapter to end and another to begin.  What we did have was perfect and beautiful and can't be tarnished by time or reality but now it's time for something new.  Love that is fresh and alive with optimism for the future.  I'm not ready to give up on what we began but I can't have it with you.  What I learned from you was that great love comes when you least expect it but you must be open in order to have it.  Thank you so much for the lovely lesson and setting me free to love again.



Saturday, November 14, 2015

New Beginnings

I felt something coming, that sense that what I was about to do would bring something new but I did not expect it to be so drastic.  I hadn't done anything out of the ordinary, it was a simple trip to visit friends and evolved into something much more.

It was almost like visiting my childhood home, going back to a place I had lived when I was young and innocent.  The people and places were the same but it felt so foreign to me.  The harder I looked for that old sense of belonging the more distant and isolated I felt.

I usually embrace change as a wonderful aspect of life, the evolution that is so vital to growth and expansion.  But this was so unexpected, for something that has been such a constant in my life to suddenly feel so unfamiliar really caught me off guard. 

Now I am coming to terms with what this means for my life going forward.  What I thought I was moving toward has changed and now it is time for me to allow something new to begin.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Thank you Israel

I've noticed that there are a very large number of people from Israel reading this blog (2 times more than any other country).  I am so very grateful for your time and consideration.  I would love to know your thoughts and comments about what I write. 

Perhaps one day I will visit your country and meet some of you personally but in the meantime - thank you and be well.


Monday, September 7, 2015

My Nature

As I've gotten older I have come to appreciate my own true nature.  Not what others want me to be but who I really am.  I suppose it has taken me longer than most to realize but I think I'm getting close. 

At least now I know when something is contrary to my true self and trust when I know something is right for me. 

Sunday, September 6, 2015

Comfort or Contrast

Contrast is such a gentle word for the challenges we go through in our lives but it is such a worthwhile journey.

Every time I find myself in a difficult or unpleasant situation I remember to be grateful for the lesson and appreciate the contrast of life because it forces me out of my comfort zone and on to something better!

Friday, June 5, 2015

Always be grateful

I was having dinner in Dublin, feeling very happy and spoiled when I received a powerful reminder to always be grateful. All through my meal I noticed my server working very hard and seemed much busier or at least more attentive than anyone else.

As I was getting ready to leave she asked where I was from in the US and then told me she was moving to New York.  She had been selected from an event in Ireland to work in the US.  She was so excited and very nervous.

What a fantastic opportunity for a young woman from eastern Europe who I'm certain has had challenges that I can't even imagine.  Suddenly I felt a strong sense of the immense privilege that I've been blessed with.  Thinking that even the most meager upbringing in America is beyond what many people have in other parts of the world.

She was very surprised when I gave her my number and asked her to let me know how she is doing or if she needed anything.  I felt humbled and immediately grateful for such a wonderful life.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Close your eyes - Where do you want to go

If I asked you to close your eyes and picture the most beautiful, serene place in the world, what would you see.  Would it be a tropical white sand beach with warm waves splashing on your feet, or perhaps a dense rainforest lush and full of life, maybe it's a gorgeous mountain meadow with the sun softly shining down or rolling green hills as far as the eye can see.

If you can see it, smell it and touch it in your mind you can be there.  If you can capture the essence of that place and how you will feel, it will be yours as surely as if you were standing there.



Sunday, February 15, 2015

What I Gave Up

It occurred to me recently just how much I have changed in the past 10 years and how wonderful it is that I can now put some of those old issues behind me and really move on with my life.  In order to do that I really needed to finally give up some of those things that were holding me back.

  • Being a victim - I never was very good at it anyway.  I am far too stubborn and independent.
  • Abusive relationships - I care enough about myself to not let anyone hurt me physically or emotionally.
  • Friends who really weren't - This was tough for me, I found it harder to separate from them than an abusive lover. 
  • Being manipulated by someone who says they care - If they really cared they would not do this.
  • Needing to be needed by anyone - I no longer need the validation of someone being dependent on me.
  • Trying to fix someone who is broken - It is not my job to change anyone, they get to be exactly who they are.
  • Helping someone who has no desire to help themselves - Really just code for Enabling.
  • Being Unhappy - I have an amazing life and am very grateful for it.
  • Feeling bad about myself because someone else is petty or shallow - I finally have found true self respect and will not let anyone put me down or make me feel less than I am.
  • Spending time with people who do not deserve me - My time and energy are very valuable and life is much too precious to waste on those who cannot appreciate me or what I have to offer.
  • Worrying - It's just borrowing trouble and giving energy to what I don't want to happen.
  • Control - Everything happens for a reason and for the best, I have to let it be.
  • Holding myself back - I am going full speed ahead into this wonderful life and enjoy every single minute of it!

Mom, Margaret and Country Music

I will never forget the Saturday nights we spent with my mom's friend Margaret and her family.  Usually, the adults were playing cards, drinking with country music blaring on the record player.  Sometimes we would all dance together in the living room or watch Porter Wagoner and Dolly Parton on the small black and white television.

I can't hear Hank Williams, Patsy Cline or any of the legends without remembering just how it felt to be that small, shy little girl getting her first glimpse of a very grown-up world.... 

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Unconditional Love

When I spend time with my beautiful grandchildren I learn the true meaning of unconditional love.  To experience that pure, limitless affection fills my heart with unspeakable joy. 

We have a special routine in the morning where they climb into my bed and we cuddle and talk until it's time to get up.  These are the most precious moments of all. 

I have struggled with low self esteem most of my life but to see myself through their innocent and loving eyes makes me feel like the most adored person in the world!


Thursday, January 22, 2015

Give up - Let go - Give in

I am learning that the only way to achieve the peace and joy that I so desperately want in my life is to stop trying to make it happen, it just doesn't work that way.  It is much easier said than done, but when I trust the process everything flows easily and works out in the perfect way at the perfect time.   

The more effort I apply the further my happiness slips away, so it is crucial that I find a way to give up the fight, let go of the struggle and give in to my hearts desire. 

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

To Be Continued...

It was 5 years ago that I made the giant leap to begin writing this blog.  It was my first attempt at sharing online what I was feeling and writing so privately.  I have written a great deal in my life and even had a few small things published, but this was very different.  This was the internet, that vast world wide web and it was very intimidating. 

In the end, it was my love of writing and desire to share some small piece of myself with the world that let me overcome my fear.  This experience has been truly cathartic and has helped me heal in ways I did not know I was wounded.  Something about putting my feelings into words and then sharing them really helps me appreciate the true meaning behind the message.

I am so very grateful for all the love and support I have received over the years and am thrilled to continue this journey with all of you!