Thursday, March 30, 2023

30 Day Reboot

It’s that time of year again.  The time when I begin to feel a bit restless and in need of a change.  I don’t feel stuck, just a little less interested in my usual routine.


Time passes so quickly that I forget to stop and reassess where I want to be.  All of those things that I thought about doing so many months ago, but never did, now don’t feel so important or interesting.

Being retired, I don’t have the commitment of work and yet my life is full and busy and for that I am grateful.  Now, I am ready for something new.

Time for a Change

I have to be careful when I’m feeling this way as I have a tendency to make radical changes, like moving houses or even leaving the country.  I don’t need to go to that extent if I can just find some new ways to revitalize my outlook.

What I have learned is that all change actually happens from within and that is where I need to start.  So, I have created a personal challenge that will help me to reset my perspective and allow some fresh ideas to surface.

Be Easy About It

What I am looking for is a gentle shift, not a huge leap.  Some way of opening up to some new things without having to throw out the old. 

One thing I will do more of is meditate.  Spending just 10 minutes a day, sitting quietly is so simple that I forget how much power there is in reconnecting with my spirit.

When I do that, it seems that I feel lighter, and more creative ideas come to me. 

Do What You Love

Something that never fails to soothe my soul is to go out in nature.  No matter what the weather is, I always love just walking in a park.  I go during off hours so I can be alone and just experience the peace.
 
This year, I started a small vegetable garden.  It has been so satisfying to care for the plants and watch them grow.  It is a lovely reminder of the cycle of life.

Have Fun

Part of the process for me is to remember to have more fun.  I have always been a very serious person so light-hearted fun is pure joy when I can let myself feel it.

Over the years, I have found that I enjoy many things but don’t often incorporate them into my daily life. 

Whether it is turning up the music and dancing while I’m cleaning house or cooking some new exotic dish, it doesn’t matter.  Just being playful is key to feeling happy.
 
Minimize Negative Influence

It is helpful for me to reduce outside interference in order to make sustainable changes. 

The big one for me is my phone.  I live alone so it is easy for that to be my biggest connection with the outside world, but it has become less of a tool for communicating and more of a time warp of senseless activity.  I catch myself scrolling through a flood of information that I don’t want or need in my life.

I remember when a phone was just a phone, not a mini-computer.

Television is another intrusion that I allow far too often.  I don’t need the constant input of bad news and excessive advertising. 

Maximize the Positive

It is easy to go through the day without stopping to think about how I am really feeling.  Every day there is an opportunity for me to look for the best things in the world around me. 

Something as simple as a friendly check-out clerk at the store or a lovely yellow butterfly on the bush in my yard.  Life is as wonderful as we let it be.

Many years ago, Bing Crosby sang “Accentuate the Positive – Eliminate the Negative”, that is my new mantra.

I can’t wait to see what delightful things I will discover on this new journey.
 
Do you feel a need for change at different times of the year?  What do you do when you are craving something new?  Share your stories and join the conversation.

Monday, March 20, 2023

Baking Bread and Setting Boundaries

I was grateful to be in the process of making bread when I received her text message.  She wanted to talk.  What about?  I had no idea, and after a year of not speaking, I felt sick to my stomach even thinking about it.

Kneading the dough, squishing, and pounding helped to relieve a little of the anxiety I was feeling about even hearing her voice.
 
Our last conversation had disintegrated into a full nuclear meltdown.  Full of so much ugliness and rage that I had no desire to speak to her and honestly did not know when I would.

She is my 50-year-old daughter, born when I was just 15 years old.  The amount of pain and anguish I went through to bring her into the world was enough to convince me that it would never be possible for me not to want her in my life – I was wrong.

Beating the dough harder, I thought of all the things I would like to say to her, but I knew she was probably not ready to hear any of them.

She loves confrontation and arguing, and she is very good at it.  Me – not so much.  It takes me back to when I was married to her father.
 
He was a jealous, controlling, abusive man.  I never knew what was going to set him off, so I worked very hard to avoid doing anything that I thought might upset him. 

The truth is, he never needed a reason.  He was so angry that he had been forced to marry me and blamed me for ruining his life.   
 
His mother was a kind and loving woman and I clung to her for whatever comfort I could find.

My mother was so disappointed in me that we barely spoke.  She lived close by but rarely came to visit.

Now, I felt the same judgement and coldness from my own daughter. 

I sent a message back that I could talk between 12:00 – 12:30, during my lunch break if that was a good time for her.  I thought setting a time limit would help to keep the conversation from going off the rails.

What I didn’t want was to cause any additional injury to this already damaged relationship.

It was 12:20 when she rang.  I was nervous but decided I would stick to my timeframe.  I began by telling her, I only had 10 minutes to talk so she would know that I needed to keep our conversation short.

She was calling to ask, in the event of my death, what my final wishes were.  A friend’s mother had passed unexpectedly, and she realized that she had no idea what I would want.
 
It was all very matter-of-fact and detached.  She went on to say that as the eldest, she expected to have to make some of those decisions.  I was taken aback, especially considering the current state of our relationship, and very happy that I had set the time limit.

She always has a way of catching me off guard and then when she doesn’t like my response an argument ensues. 

With less than 5 minutes left, I was able to think of the most appropriate response without getting emotional. 

I told her I had already taken care of my will and legal power of attorney in the event of any incapacity or death and would send her a copy.

Mercifully, the timer for my bread went off and our time was up.

I ended the call by telling her that I loved her and the children.  Honest, civil, and respectful.  I felt relieved and grateful that we could even speak for a few minutes without upsetting each other.

Just like not letting the bread dough rise too long, setting that simple boundary produced a better outcome that we have had in years.

Going forward, I will do more of this to maintain peacefulness in my life.
 
What have you learned late in life that has served you well?  Were there interpersonal relationships that felt out of control that you wish you could change?  Share your stories with the community!