Decade of Change

I have been through many changes in my life but never so much as the past 10 years.  The most remarkable part of it was that it has been a steady stream of increasingly wonderful events.  People and places that have touched my heart and changed my life forever.

2005 was a crucial turning point for me, my children were grown and I knew that it was time to really start living my own life.  I was able to break away from some very unhealthy work and personal situations and began to truly, perhaps for the very first time, see what my life was all about.

I began to travel the world and explore in ways I had only dreamt of.  It was as if I had been set free and my life had become a series of exciting adventures.  I found confidence and courage that I didn't know I had and every experience helped me to learn even more about myself.

Now, I feel that I am on the threshold of yet another significant life change and I'm thrilled to see what the next decade will bring....

What's Next

Finally, I woke this morning with a renewed sense of joy and anticipation for the changes that are happening in my life.  I have become so accustomed to being happy that I don't deal well with sadness or indecision about anything. 

It feels very appropriate as this is Christmas week and that whatever is in store for me is wrapped and waiting like a gift under the tree.  I can see that it's there but have no idea what's inside.  The possibilities are endless and each of them full of their own special treasure.  I really can't wait to see what is next for me....

Promises

It was an irreconcilable difference between us - he couldn't be with me without making a commitment and I couldn't be with him if we made one.

I have spent my entire life pursuing unavailable men, a not so subtle outcome of being abandoned by my father.  My mother used to tell me a story about my father carrying me on a pillow saying that I was more precious than gold, and then he left us.  That sends a very mixed message to a young girl growing up without a man to love and protect her.

I never dated older men and always avoided the stereotypical father figure, until I met him.  He was only a few years older but was the most dedicated father and family man I had ever known.  A kind and honest man, who made me feel very cherished and nurtured when we were together. I suppose that is part of what kept me locked in my romantic daydream for so long.

We both needed something when we first met and that was all there should have been.  But for me, this was far more, it was my chance to have something I had missed all of those years.

As sad as it is to say goodbye, I know it is the right thing for both of us.  It would have been fantastic for a while but if it didn't work out it would have destroyed us both.  Now we can go our separate ways and always remember that precious time we had together with no promises. 

Incredible Journey

You would have to know exactly where I started to understand just how far I have come...

There is no way to explain the fantastic experience I have had.  Beginning life in a desperately poor family with many emotional and substance abuse issues may seem like something far too great to overcome.  Even a lifelong idealist like me wondered if this would ever work out or if I was indeed doomed to repeat the past.  I'll tell you that was my mother's greatest fear, that I would live her life of sadness and misery. 

I'm not sure exactly when or how it happened but I was able to break the cycle of pain and despair and found a way into the world that opened up to me like a flower in bloom.  I have been blessed with people and resources that have helped me forge my way in this wilderness and somehow, with all odds against me, to not just survive but thrive in the most beautiful way.

To say that I am grateful for this incredible journey would be an understatement and I appreciate the life that now lay before me in a way that most will never know... 

How will I let you go..

As we said goodbye, you stroked my face tenderly and asked "how will I let you go?".  We were both overcome with emotion, knowing that I could not stay.  I was from the U.S. and unless I could get a work permit I would not be able to remain in the country.  It had been a fantastic year, meeting and falling in love in a way that I never imagined, especially in my 50s. 

Now, fast forward 10 years and all of the emotion of that time welling up inside of me as I get ready to see you again.  Would I feel the same, would there be any connection at all... so many questions until I saw you.  Waving at me from across the lobby, it was as if no time had passed.  With the same sweet smile, you stood and put your arms around me and I felt that I was home again.
I didn't realize it at the time but you were saying goodbye, you had given up on any possibility of a future together and now it was over.

After loving you all of these years, I have to ask "how will I let you go?".  All I know is that I must.  It is time for this chapter to end and another to begin.  What we did have was perfect and beautiful and can't be tarnished by time or reality but now it's time for something new.  Love that is fresh and alive with optimism for the future.  I'm not ready to give up on what we began but I can't have it with you.  What I learned from you was that great love comes when you least expect it but you must be open in order to have it.  Thank you so much for the lovely lesson and setting me free to love again.